z_jay | Luceti | Appointments

You're probably a lot smarter than me, so if I call you an idiot, it's gotta be really dumb.

Also, giant? Is there more information at the library on that? Because if there's a different interpretation of this than I'm thinking, I'd rather know than not--

[It was an old habit, one honed through horrors and loss, to make light of it and move onward with what was important. Never look back, because looking back got good people killed. But it was difficult to keep up the act when Loki spoke pretty much through his attempts. His smile, Loki could feel, was a little strained, but not from Loki's proximity.]

Kind of two-fold. Don't wanna hear, don't really wanna tell. It's just... senseless loss and tragedy. But I can't... delete it or get rid of it.

Don't be hard on yourself. I'm a great deal smarter than everyone.

I don't know, really. I haven't bothered to see what books might be there about the lore of Asgard and the other realms. [Since he already knows all that lore.] What interpretation is it you have in your mind?

[He can feel that bit of strain, indeed, and acts unthinkingly to try to offer a bit of comfort, much like he would with Rogue. Their hands are still joined; he slowly strokes Eugene's fingers with his.]

It would be a bit like destroying a memory, I should think. Trying to make it as if it never happened to begin with. [He sounds thoughtful as he says those words.]

That makes me feel so much better, Loki. You're the best.

[Can you hear him rolling his eyes? It's because he knows it's the truth]

Gemini is more like twins? Dual-nature? I only know western zodiac stuff, and I'm going by the updated one, so... most people would argue I'm not Gemini.

[Eugene had always responded better to touch than to words. Words were distant things, things used for work, for transmitting information. Touch communicated through a different set of nerves and interpretations in the brain.]

Yeah, but it's important stuff. There'll be people who come after me who need to know what life was like before. Stuff's changed, maybe we have the chance to do things over. To remind people where we went wrong.

[Certainly, he felt safer in some respects, with being himself instead of on guard. He could be openly affectionate with Jack at Abel, as well as several others. That, in itself, was liberating]

I know I am. [Ehehehe.]

Dual nature? What are your two natures? [Eugene hasn't struck him as all that much like that.] I know not of those constellations, I'm afraid. Or the zodiac. Is it a method of divination?

[When the touch seemed to work as a means for soothing, he made a mental note of it, then continued that light touch. He felt rather soothed, himself.]

Mmm. It makes sense, to wish to know what happened before, yes. But why hold on to the pain of its ending?

[Alright, so he laughs a little, an honest kind, bubbling up softly before he cleared his throat]

Shut up. You're horrible, the worst. The best at being the worst. Bar none.

[Not that he was going to stop Loki. It felt nice, and it was harmless, and it was better than sitting across from Loki and just focusing on how he can't see a thing.]

My two natures? Are, uh... well, I dunno. You'd have to ask someone else who knows me, I guess. It's astrology, horoscopes, stuff that generalizes everything and makes it so that you can nearly identify with any of the signs, honestly.

....And we hold on because it makes us who we are. If not for the apocalypse, I wouldn't have Jack. Sometimes you come away with good out of the bad. I'd never have lost my leg, and as much as I want to forget that, it makes me appreciate what I have. Or-- well, it's... different, now. Malnosso shifting it back and all.

You speak such pretty compliments. My head will become swelled with them all. [Teehee.]

So it is a divination tool? [He smiles crookedly.] Such things are far better at telling you what you might wish to hear about yourself than anything true.

But perhaps I can afford to be jaded, as a man with no birth date.

[Good with the bed. Hah.] That is some good to be taken, I suppose.

What would you do, then, if there was nothing good to be taken from it?

If there's nothing good? Well, it's a part of who I am, people admire those that have the strength to carry on. I don't remember much after I couldn't walk. What good came out of losing my leg? I couldn't walk, run, barely could get around on the broken crutch they had.

[This was visibly difficult for Eugene to discuss, preferring to keep it to himself. Few people knew the depths of how low he'd gotten from that. It nearly broke him, something he hadn't been proud of.]

It's hard, to realize you're the... you're the guy they'd leave behind for bait. And that... that's all you'd be good for. But then, giving in and giving up... it makes you weaker? I dunno.

[No one has ever admired Loki for his strength. No one ever will. It isn't something he cares about.

But he can hear the pain in what Eugene says. He's not going to offer his own thoughts at this point. But he does pull Eugene's hands up and kisses them, a gesture of affection rather than any sort of lust in this case.]

Giving up would mean not surviving.

[Which requires living. It doesn't require remembering misery.]

That's why I didn't give up. Besides, you'll never know when random knowledge comes in handy.

[It had never been an option, to go on without remembering. That was always something he'd taken for granted. Some of the tension drained from him at the soft kiss to his hands, grinning a little lopsided.]

Sorry to say, I'm probably more dull than your average mortal. I'd show you my tattoos-- I have more. But they require being able to see. Maybe in a few months.

I normally would agree.

But I've come to the conclusion recently that there are certain bits of random knowledge I might be better off without.

[Like remembering what it's like to be torn apart by a black hole. Like loving two people who don't actually exist.

He smiles crookedly.]

Oh, nowhere I ought to be touching, then?

Now you sound like the Men in Black.

[All jokes aside, that didn't sound good. Maybe he was reading into it too much]

You're going to be disgusted with my eclectic tastes in body ink.

...But yeah, you? Without knowledge? Are you sick?

[He moved to feel his forehead for dramatic effect] Sorry, I just... that's crazy talk coming from I'm smarter than thou.

...men in black?

[He laughs.] Oh? What sort of horrid things do you have, then? And where?

[He shrugs.]

I do not forget things, as a rule. There is only so much pain someone might want to recall.

It's a movie, originally a comic. Two guys in an organization, erasing people's memories about aliens for their own good. Maintaining the Prime Directive sort of stuff.

And have you ever heard of a Shippo? You will experience new levels of disappointment once you see it.

[That... was sound logic, though he knew as brilliant as Loki was, and as much as he thought things through, he was... prone to chaotic things. As was his penchant.]

What kind of painful things?

[Well, he knew the prime directive, thanks to the same shifts that put him in this horrible position.] I don't see how one would maintain the Prime Directive that way.

Nay, I know not what a Shippo is. But it must be horribly embarrassing. Were you drunk at the time?

[He shrugs one shoulder.] I do not need to recall was it was like, to be skinned, as one example.

[And yet that pain, he has held on to. But all that pain does is disturb his sleep at times. It keeps him angry when he needs to be, reminds him why his victory over Odin is important.

Unlike this... emotional frustration. That does nothing but bring him misery and cause trouble between him and Rogue, as far as he's concerned.]

I was incredibly drunk. But it sounded like the most awesome thing ever at that moment. It's kind of sentimental to me, though... it's on my left calf.

[Dropping a statement like that had Eugene wondering just what more Loki had been through. Understandably, he knew much less about Loki than Loki knew about him...]

Yeah, I don't think I'd like to remember that, either.

[He hadn't wanted to remember what it was like to feel feverish, see his leg change in ways he knew spelled bad news for him and Jack. But Loki had the floor here, and he wanted to hear about this. It felt somewhat foreboding, but he could be reading into things too much]

I try not to think about all the horrible things that have happened to me. They'll keep me up at night, if so.

[He laughs.] Many things sound...awesome. When drunk. Now I am very curious about this embarrassing monstrosity on your calf.

[Lalala foreshadowing~~]

Ah. So would you forget such things more permanently, if you could?

What, if I could forget every mistake I've ever made?

[He thought about it seriously, for a long moment.]

If it didn't bear to me learning anything from it, then a few? I don't know, sometimes it's that stuff that makes life interesting. But yeah, learning I can scream like a girl from a zom crawling out from under a van I'm running past doesn't really serve much purpose, I guess?

Not all mistakes should be forgotten. One learns much from failure. But if a mistake cannot be shaken, and causes only pain?

It seems yes, it would be good to forget.

[He laughs.]

If only such things were possible.

I'm just glad that the worst of my memories are pretty hazy.

[The pain of amputating without any proper medical technique was only a lesson in how more pain can be heaped on top of pain, and the limits of his own tolerance for it. Definitely something that he could do without, because knowing what his limits were in terms of pain... wasn't really applicable in reality. Not that he knew of.]

... I kinda feel like we might be talking about something I'm not on the same page as.

Oh? Nay, I think we are on the same page. In agreement, even, that there is no point in recalling pain for the sake of pain. And thinking that perhaps some things would be better forgotten, when they add nothing good to one's life.

[Now, how you would want to define that... well. That's more personal.]

...It's just so somber. Discussing this, when we've already had enough crap thrown at us these past few weeks. [Sometimes he felt like dwelling, sure, but when he was with Loki, he didn't want to continue to flounder in discomfort for the sake of misery enjoying company. Loki came here because he wanted to get out of his place, and Eugene wasn't going to encourage him to dwell on these things]

So, focus on the good things. It's kind of lying to yourself, but in the end, so long as you lie to yourself in moderation, I think it's alright to do so.

[So ultimately, what he's gained from this is that humans would rid themselves of memories of they could. It's just that they can't, and thus all the platitudes about it being better to remember things that cause only terrible.

Topical.]

My apologies. I've been in a melancholy, I suppose.

I think you're the first person I've ever known who has encouraged me to lie to myself. [That's amusing.]

I ought to find merrier things of which to speak, but I haven't even any good books to recommend.

[Humans were creatures that adapted to compensate for that which they couldn't change. Eugene would use it as an argument, but undoubtedly, there would be some fault found in that logic. The fact that Loki really couldn't distract himself with his typical habits was an unfortunate reality, and one that may have given him the predisposition to be so melancholy to begin with.][Something he'd been meaning to ask Loki about, anyway]

Actually, I'm not joking. The last thing I want is for all of that clusterfuck to happen again, and... I dunno, I like hearing you talk more than reading from a book or learning from someone else.

I'm not particularly looking to die again, no. Not remove any of the rest of it. [Killing mother? No thank you. The idiotic conversation with Eugene? No. Very much.]

Well, I do have a very nice voice, I've been told. What is it you're seeking to learn, however? I thought the point of this was rather me learning that humans are utterly boring and I should wash my hands of you.

[If only it were that easy.]

We're so boring that you just have to marvel at how we do it so well. But... mainly, assessing how to deal with threats of the sophisticated nature? I know how to avoid zoms, but they're not exactly intelligent. They move on primal instincts, and that doesn't really help against actual adversaries.

[Things weren't settled, they probably wouldn't be settled for a very long time. All he could do to help Loki was to be... a distraction from his inner thoughts. As much as he could be.]

And maybe a weapon or two.

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