z_jay | Luceti | Appointments

[Eugene, you were supposed to go away. He's being mean for a reason.

But he's far more lonely and tired and afraid than he is still angry.

He hesitate for a moment, throat working, then reaches up and fumbles to cover Eugene's hand with his. And slowly, carefully, he leans over just enough that they touch.]

[Moving at this moment would be really criminal, and Eugene had nowhere to go of import. He kept quiet but his heart leapt in his chest. There were small things, indistinct memories that overlaid his own, but they were definitely a part of him, now. Manufactured by the Malnosso or not.]

You know that'll never change.

[Slowly, he rubbed his thumb along Loki's shoulder]

I'd rather you stayed, personally. If you find this place comforting, I don't want you to leave.

Do I?

[One corner of his lips pulls in a brief, wry smile.]

How can I rely upon this when it is something that wasn't real?

[And very careful, hating himself for it, he weaves their fingers lightly together.]

I would rather stay, though it makes me a faithless creature indeed.

You'd believe me if I told you this was real, right?

[From Eugene to Loki, this friendliness, a closeness that he wouldn't mind maintaining. They needn't be closer than whatever was comfortable. He shifted his fingers but only to become more comfortable.]

There's nothing wrong with me visiting you in a public place, right? Scout's honor, I won't drug your coffee without caffeine.

[He laughs.] I might, though well could it drive me mad.

[Not when he's got everyone telling him different things, including himself.]

Nay. You cannot damn me any worse than I have already damned myself.

Well, that's good news. I think.

[Everyone would tell Loki different things, based on the mere fact they were different people. It was indeed hard to seek out what one would consider the truth when their penchant was to create illusions. He vowed, then, to never be vague, to give Loki something to grasp on to without question]

Hey, if I say 'goddamn it' does that mean you have to damn it? Off topic, I know, but sometimes you just-- I wanted to know your opinion.

[Not vague, eh Eugene?]

Is it good news?

[He snorts at the rather silly question.]

I don't have to do anything. Only if I'm in the mood.

Your being around is good news.

[Words, he had fucked them up enough recently. He wasn't about to try and use them carelessly.]

Alright, alright, I've yapped enough. Your coffee's gonna get cold if I don't shut up.

[He wasn't moving away, though, and took to lightly rubbing his thumb along Loki's shoulder where it could reach]

Drink up, let me know when you want a refill.

[He chuckles softly.]

Such good news you can't wait to get back to work.

[He sighs and begins to pull away. Well, he certainly can't blame Eugene for that.]

Go. I'll finish up this cup and go about my business.

Loki.

[No way was he loosening his hold on Loki's shoulder. No, this was important]

You literally cannot see how much I'm putting my foot in my mouth. Thankfully I have two legs, which makes that more possible than it used to be.

[but he does lean in closer, facing Loki face to face because it would be rude to speak away from him just on principle]

I'm not tellin' you to leave. Nor am I saying I don't want to be around you. I'm trying not to say stupid things and it's not going over great, so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Please stay, I missed you.

[Loki tugs Eugene's hand from his shoulder insistently, but instead of trying to cast him aside, he weaves their fingers together and presses it to his chest, then covers their joined hands with his other hand. It's a much more desperate gesture than he likes making.

And when he speaks, his voice is very, very small.]

Then talk to me. I can't see.

[Loki hadn't told him that directly, but Jack had mentioned in particular what may have been afflicting Loki upon his return. He reached for another chair, scooted it closer and took a seat without pulling away]

I know. And it's... it's my fault. If not entirely, at least partially.

[He settled his free hand over those already joined.]

You needn't feel like I don't want you around. I'd rather you be around, considering you died saving me and Jack. Considering that we are friends, and I'll admit we need you around.

Hah. If you asked my lady, it'd probably be my fault for being an idiot.

[Perhaps unfair to Rogue, but he also thought she'd consider it the right point. She did the hero...thing. Presumably they didn't spend all of their time being angry at the people they'd saved when things went badly.

Really, if he was going to be annoyed with anyone, it would be Jack for dying anyway. But he had a difficult time saying angry with Jack about much of anything thus far.]

So, I’m asking you. Why’d you… why’d you risk yourself like that? For me and Jack? Or for something else? I don’t know everything that happened, but you were different…

[Fatigue could have been the culprit, even gods needed time to recuperate, but… his actions has felt deliberate, raw, shattered. Friends were there to try and understand the bad with the good.]

Rogue’s nice, but I already spoke with her about some things. I’m more interested in what you think.

[He shrugs his shoulders faintly.]

Why is it such a difficult thing to understand? [Because Loki is a selfish, cowardly creature, obviously. Hadn't he just made that point to Steve Rogers just hours before he'd gotten killed? Hah, the irony of a cruel universe.]

I'm weary of losing people that I love. There are few enough of you to begin with.

[Rogue spoke to him about things? It's a statement greeted with perhaps duller interest than it could be, something to be blamed perhaps on feeling so hopeless about everything. It only made sense, he supposed. Jack had been dead. Loki had been dead. Rogue had like wished to know why.

Apparently Eugene hadn't had a good answer for her. She hadn't really liked the real one at all, anyway.]

Oh.

I hope it was a pleasant conversation.

[Talking to people? So much easier when you don't have to be honest with them.]

[To be included in that class of people, those that Loki admitted to loving... he couldn't help the soft smile. Even if it wasn't in fact him that had been on the Shift, he remembered it all as though it were his memories.

His hands shifted, working their way to holding Loki's hands, using his thumbs to give an affectionate and soft touch on the backs of his palms]

I can understand that. Sometimes it's just... nice to know, to be told. But-- the.... conversation with Rogue could have gone better. I'm pretty convinced she hates me. More than just me. But if our circumstances were different...

[He'd probably count her as an easy friend.]

[The overt affection made him smile, even if he shouldn't. Was this a traitorous act? Was it wrong that it made him feel a bit warmed, a bit safer, a bit like he did when he was with Rogue and things were peaceful?

He'd think about it later and no doubt torment himself about it. For now he wanted to enjoy it.]

True. Things unspoken... [Have a way of never being said until it was far too late. Hadn't he learned that, and painfully?]

I... haven't really asked how she might feel about you. I've been avoiding the topic entirely since the day I returned. [Was that dishonest of him? It had caused her such pain, and made him feel terrible as well.] I think she would like you.

[He sighs.]

I can't really figure out how she works, either. It must be a thing about ladies. Usually I get guys much better. [Though he did feel his gut twist somewhat at mention of Loki avoiding the topic. Part of him was optimistic that things would right themselves, but the pessimist in him felt like the writing could possibly be on the wall.]

She was nice-- forward, but nice. And I am pretty sure she wants to kill me? But that would kind of invalidate your uh... actions. But I do like her. One of the things I've learnt from being in relationships, though... communicate.

[he snorted softly, feeling foolish for his own failure at that] And listen. Say what you mean, hear what she's saying. She loves you, I can tell that much.

I would not claim that my lady is simple, or that I understand her fully. But above all things, she wishes to be fair. That is one of her most dearly held virtues.

[Forward but nice. That brings a fond smile to his face. That's what he'd liked about her, right from the beginning. He'd always had a weakness for women like that.

He sighs.] She knows where I stand. She knows that I love her. That I do not love her any less. And yet I have still betrayed her in my heart by having these other feelings. [His lips twist.] Though she has been very good to me, to say that I have broken no promise in truth as I have not done anything. What more is there to say?

[But it somehow feels inevitable, for all that he will fight it. Because he wants, and knows he should not want, but wants all the same. He's always been crap at denying himself things. But for her, he will try. Maybe it will be different this time.

But feeling their hands together, he doesn't have all that much confidence in the thought.] She does love me, though it seems I no longer deserve such loyalty. [A soft snort.] Tony Stark was so fond of saying that I destroy everything I touch.

Edited 2014-06-28 23:58 (UTC)

The Stark guy... the one who said he'd throw a zom on Jack if they showed up? Not exactly the kind of guy I would take to heart what he says.

[That had been hilarious-- but awkward, to say the least. Still, this situation was far more delicate, and he knew that Loki was brilliant. He had likely thought of all the possibilities he could grasp at, and he was left looking so... not necessarily defeated, but definitely conflicted.]

Shifts make folks do strange things. I'm actually a little glad I didn't meet Rogue for that one Valentine's Day, as I would have probably, well... Making out with every redhead I came across was kind of fun.

But aside from that... you can't help how you feel, you can only help how you respond to those feelings. Genius revelation, I know... but it's true. So beating yourself up for having feelings is kind of uh, stupid. But I like you, so I'll say it's ridiculous, instead.

Tony was an ass of the first water. But he was also hideously observant at times.

[He sighs.]

I am a chaos god. It is my nature to do as I want. [But no, digging more deeply into this isn't going to accomplish anything, is it? And it makes him sound so pathetically weak as well. Unable to control his feelings. Not even that, but driven by them! To do foolish things.

He isn't a fool. He isn't a fool. He's stronger than that, Better than that. He'll figure something out. He shakes his head.] Never mind, you are right.

[But he wants Eugene. He wants Jack. In much the same way he wants Rogue, though she comes always first in his concerns. And his mind strains to find a way that he can have all of these things he wants, because he refuses to believe a problem exists without a solution he can find and implement.

He will drive himself mad with this.

And he'd better divert the topic, he decides. He smiles crookedly.] You ought to tell me more of yourself, Eugene. Perhaps then I won't like you any longer.

Just because you're observant doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about someone. [Grinning a little, he ducked his head, refraining from mentioning that Rogue had asked the very same. It was true, though. Truer for him than for Jack, because Eugene generally kept to himself and only opened up when he was sure of the risk...]

Well, you... know the most interesting stuff about me already. Zombies, amputations, my thrilling love life with my beloved, and our quirky radio show... all the other stuff is pretty damn boring.

Yes, that would be a little silly. But it's more about knowing the pertinent things, yes?

[Eyebrows go up.] Is it really? There is nothing else to know, I've already got it all?

[Looking a little more thoughtful, Eugene tipped his head and thought back to what might be more pertinent]

I'm Canadian. Hailing from the west coast, British Columbia. I've got siblings, both younger. I've got a couple of tattoos... and I'm originally a food journalist. I mean, by comparison to you or ... most of the people in Luceti, I'm nothing. My claim to fame is documenting the grey-flu breakout on my cell.

Oh, one of those rotten older brother sorts. I don't know why I like you at all.

Tattoos? [Then he sighs.] Not as if I could see such things. [He finds them quite fascinating, though...at least when printed on the right skin.]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I am a god, after all. Few people can quite reach my level. [He grins.] What did you do with such documentation?

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