z_jay | Luceti | Appointments

[His mouth sets in a thin, unhappy line for a moment.]

I don't think I'm supposed to care what you like on that subject.

[It's a statement not delivered as an insult, but rather something he says because it upsets him.]

Why not?

[Everything was in tone, in the look on Loki's face. His own tone was kept soft, curious, wanting to know more than anything else]

[A smile that's more a grimace. He turns his head back toward the book. It doesn't really matter, because it's not like he can see Eugene anyway. But it's the body language of habit, turning aside because he doesn't really want to answer the question.

He is silent for a long moment, trying to decide how he ought to answer the question, if at all. Slowly, he draws a rune on the margin of the page with the tip of his finger.

The problem is, of course, he does care what Eugene thinks. And shouldn't. It's a sign that something has gone very wrong within him, it seems. Something that will only hurt Rogue. So he ought to take these opportunities to give Eugene the sharp side of his tongue, to drive him off and try to excise at least part of this problem.

Maybe it would be easier to do if he wasn't blind and simultaneously fighting the urge to try to find the man's hand so he knows he won't fall off the world and into the void again. Or maybe it wouldn't, because he'd be able to see his eyes, far too like the eyes of someone who never even existed.]

I shouldn't even be here. [He doesn't quite realize he's giving voice to the thought, no matter how softly, until it's too late.

But that's a better line of thought than what he struggled with before.]

It's too quiet. In my house.

[That... hadn't been an answer he expected, and it felt a bit like a distraction tactic, but maybe it was just as he had asked.]

You gave Jack that stone that played some songs a few times once. I thought you had those all over the place at yours.

[Maybe an attempt to be funny wasn't the smartest move, but it was genuine, and he did remember that thing fondly. Kind of how he wanted Loki to remember how they'd been before thing became complex.

So he waited a beat to continue, voice softening]

You're welcome here any time, as long as you like. I can even set up some music in here for you, just so long as you don't mind the sound of washing dishes in the background, too.

[Loki carefully folds his hands on top of his book.

It's not the same, he wants to tell Eugene. Because I made music, when I fell, to keep myself company. At least until I was screaming so loudly I couldn't hear any more.

Too personal.]

I could enchant all of the rocks, if I were in a mood to do so. But I don't tend to bother unless I'm moved to make a gift of it.

[Want me to leave and do that, Eugene? Is this too awkward?]

As you've pointed out, if I want music, I can see to it in the privacy of my home. You needn't concern yourself on my account.

[What doors the man want? To coddle him or drive him off?]

[Sometimes it stung, to have words so twisted that he had no hope of righting them, so he didn't reply, but wasn't angry, either. All attempts he was making were failing, so maybe he ought to stop trying. Leave, while he had some dignity still intact?

Wasn't that selfish?

Instead he stepped in closer, squeezed Loki's shoulder with one hand in a gesture he meant to be reassuring, or comforting, or somehow impart the things he never said right.]

Too bad. You can't make me stop being concerned about you.

[His smile was strained, but not in malice or discomfort. Just a sad kind of smile, and thankfully, one Loki could not see.]

[Eugene, you were supposed to go away. He's being mean for a reason.

But he's far more lonely and tired and afraid than he is still angry.

He hesitate for a moment, throat working, then reaches up and fumbles to cover Eugene's hand with his. And slowly, carefully, he leans over just enough that they touch.]

[Moving at this moment would be really criminal, and Eugene had nowhere to go of import. He kept quiet but his heart leapt in his chest. There were small things, indistinct memories that overlaid his own, but they were definitely a part of him, now. Manufactured by the Malnosso or not.]

You know that'll never change.

[Slowly, he rubbed his thumb along Loki's shoulder]

I'd rather you stayed, personally. If you find this place comforting, I don't want you to leave.

Do I?

[One corner of his lips pulls in a brief, wry smile.]

How can I rely upon this when it is something that wasn't real?

[And very careful, hating himself for it, he weaves their fingers lightly together.]

I would rather stay, though it makes me a faithless creature indeed.

You'd believe me if I told you this was real, right?

[From Eugene to Loki, this friendliness, a closeness that he wouldn't mind maintaining. They needn't be closer than whatever was comfortable. He shifted his fingers but only to become more comfortable.]

There's nothing wrong with me visiting you in a public place, right? Scout's honor, I won't drug your coffee without caffeine.

[He laughs.] I might, though well could it drive me mad.

[Not when he's got everyone telling him different things, including himself.]

Nay. You cannot damn me any worse than I have already damned myself.

Well, that's good news. I think.

[Everyone would tell Loki different things, based on the mere fact they were different people. It was indeed hard to seek out what one would consider the truth when their penchant was to create illusions. He vowed, then, to never be vague, to give Loki something to grasp on to without question]

Hey, if I say 'goddamn it' does that mean you have to damn it? Off topic, I know, but sometimes you just-- I wanted to know your opinion.

[Not vague, eh Eugene?]

Is it good news?

[He snorts at the rather silly question.]

I don't have to do anything. Only if I'm in the mood.

Your being around is good news.

[Words, he had fucked them up enough recently. He wasn't about to try and use them carelessly.]

Alright, alright, I've yapped enough. Your coffee's gonna get cold if I don't shut up.

[He wasn't moving away, though, and took to lightly rubbing his thumb along Loki's shoulder where it could reach]

Drink up, let me know when you want a refill.

[He chuckles softly.]

Such good news you can't wait to get back to work.

[He sighs and begins to pull away. Well, he certainly can't blame Eugene for that.]

Go. I'll finish up this cup and go about my business.

Loki.

[No way was he loosening his hold on Loki's shoulder. No, this was important]

You literally cannot see how much I'm putting my foot in my mouth. Thankfully I have two legs, which makes that more possible than it used to be.

[but he does lean in closer, facing Loki face to face because it would be rude to speak away from him just on principle]

I'm not tellin' you to leave. Nor am I saying I don't want to be around you. I'm trying not to say stupid things and it's not going over great, so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Please stay, I missed you.

[Loki tugs Eugene's hand from his shoulder insistently, but instead of trying to cast him aside, he weaves their fingers together and presses it to his chest, then covers their joined hands with his other hand. It's a much more desperate gesture than he likes making.

And when he speaks, his voice is very, very small.]

Then talk to me. I can't see.

[Loki hadn't told him that directly, but Jack had mentioned in particular what may have been afflicting Loki upon his return. He reached for another chair, scooted it closer and took a seat without pulling away]

I know. And it's... it's my fault. If not entirely, at least partially.

[He settled his free hand over those already joined.]

You needn't feel like I don't want you around. I'd rather you be around, considering you died saving me and Jack. Considering that we are friends, and I'll admit we need you around.

Hah. If you asked my lady, it'd probably be my fault for being an idiot.

[Perhaps unfair to Rogue, but he also thought she'd consider it the right point. She did the hero...thing. Presumably they didn't spend all of their time being angry at the people they'd saved when things went badly.

Really, if he was going to be annoyed with anyone, it would be Jack for dying anyway. But he had a difficult time saying angry with Jack about much of anything thus far.]

So, I’m asking you. Why’d you… why’d you risk yourself like that? For me and Jack? Or for something else? I don’t know everything that happened, but you were different…

[Fatigue could have been the culprit, even gods needed time to recuperate, but… his actions has felt deliberate, raw, shattered. Friends were there to try and understand the bad with the good.]

Rogue’s nice, but I already spoke with her about some things. I’m more interested in what you think.

[He shrugs his shoulders faintly.]

Why is it such a difficult thing to understand? [Because Loki is a selfish, cowardly creature, obviously. Hadn't he just made that point to Steve Rogers just hours before he'd gotten killed? Hah, the irony of a cruel universe.]

I'm weary of losing people that I love. There are few enough of you to begin with.

[Rogue spoke to him about things? It's a statement greeted with perhaps duller interest than it could be, something to be blamed perhaps on feeling so hopeless about everything. It only made sense, he supposed. Jack had been dead. Loki had been dead. Rogue had like wished to know why.

Apparently Eugene hadn't had a good answer for her. She hadn't really liked the real one at all, anyway.]

Oh.

I hope it was a pleasant conversation.

[Talking to people? So much easier when you don't have to be honest with them.]

[To be included in that class of people, those that Loki admitted to loving... he couldn't help the soft smile. Even if it wasn't in fact him that had been on the Shift, he remembered it all as though it were his memories.

His hands shifted, working their way to holding Loki's hands, using his thumbs to give an affectionate and soft touch on the backs of his palms]

I can understand that. Sometimes it's just... nice to know, to be told. But-- the.... conversation with Rogue could have gone better. I'm pretty convinced she hates me. More than just me. But if our circumstances were different...

[He'd probably count her as an easy friend.]

[The overt affection made him smile, even if he shouldn't. Was this a traitorous act? Was it wrong that it made him feel a bit warmed, a bit safer, a bit like he did when he was with Rogue and things were peaceful?

He'd think about it later and no doubt torment himself about it. For now he wanted to enjoy it.]

True. Things unspoken... [Have a way of never being said until it was far too late. Hadn't he learned that, and painfully?]

I... haven't really asked how she might feel about you. I've been avoiding the topic entirely since the day I returned. [Was that dishonest of him? It had caused her such pain, and made him feel terrible as well.] I think she would like you.

[He sighs.]

I can't really figure out how she works, either. It must be a thing about ladies. Usually I get guys much better. [Though he did feel his gut twist somewhat at mention of Loki avoiding the topic. Part of him was optimistic that things would right themselves, but the pessimist in him felt like the writing could possibly be on the wall.]

She was nice-- forward, but nice. And I am pretty sure she wants to kill me? But that would kind of invalidate your uh... actions. But I do like her. One of the things I've learnt from being in relationships, though... communicate.

[he snorted softly, feeling foolish for his own failure at that] And listen. Say what you mean, hear what she's saying. She loves you, I can tell that much.

I would not claim that my lady is simple, or that I understand her fully. But above all things, she wishes to be fair. That is one of her most dearly held virtues.

[Forward but nice. That brings a fond smile to his face. That's what he'd liked about her, right from the beginning. He'd always had a weakness for women like that.

He sighs.] She knows where I stand. She knows that I love her. That I do not love her any less. And yet I have still betrayed her in my heart by having these other feelings. [His lips twist.] Though she has been very good to me, to say that I have broken no promise in truth as I have not done anything. What more is there to say?

[But it somehow feels inevitable, for all that he will fight it. Because he wants, and knows he should not want, but wants all the same. He's always been crap at denying himself things. But for her, he will try. Maybe it will be different this time.

But feeling their hands together, he doesn't have all that much confidence in the thought.] She does love me, though it seems I no longer deserve such loyalty. [A soft snort.] Tony Stark was so fond of saying that I destroy everything I touch.

Edited 2014-06-28 23:58 (UTC)

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